A guide to not having it all, with vague instructions on what to do when you've dropped all the balls you ought to have kept in the air.

Does an exciting weekend for you mean scrubbing all the grouting in your bathroom with a toothbrush?

Have you ever felt the urge to kidnap the cable guy and tie him to the bed like Kathy Bates in Misery because you are terrified the TV will stop working once he's gone?

Do you ponder marrying the Albanian builder who has just fitted alcove shelving because he's brought you more happiness in three days than your useless ex-boyfriend brought you in three years?

Are you engaged in endless rows with call centre staff called Keeley who hang up on you because you are 'shouting and hysterical'?

Are you convinced the entire world is engaged in a conspiracy to drive you insane, especially the automated phone system that generates ten text messages whenever you try to book a minicab?

Do you write to-do lists that need paginating, and include items such as 're-mortgage house, get pregnant, climb Kilimanjaro'?

Welcome to Melissa Kite's life. If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, clearly you too are a desperate single woman trying to survive in the modern world. If not, congratulations: you will have a good laugh reading this book.