Why Don’t You Understand Me?

The Surprising Science Behind Connecting in a World of Missed Signals
In Why Don't You Understand Me? behavioral scientist and clinical psychologist Yael Schonbrun draws upon her decades of research as well as tales from the therapy room to give us a new model for understanding misunderstandings.
In an increasingly connected world, misunderstanding is disconnecting us more than ever. Too often, we solve for the wrong problem. Understanding happens inside people, in how we filter, interpret, and make meaning of what we hear, not between people in the exchange of words. In Why Don't You Understand Me?, you ll sit beside the Exalted Cyclops of Durham s Ku Klux Klan and the city s prominent Black civil rights leader as understanding transforms their lifelong hatred into friendship. You ll join a detective, sitting alone in a room with a serial killer, and watch generous understanding extract a confession. You ll visit a therapy room where two people who love each other can t understand why they remember the same fight so differently, then discover why they re both right. And you ll discover how understanding and being understood by an octopus reveals something unexpected about connection itself. Drawing on two decades in the therapy room and powerful relationship science, Dr. Schonbrun traces the hidden forces that distort what we perceive, how we interpret it, and why we defend our version of events even when we re wrong then shows what to do about it. Readers will come away with practical strategies for the moments that matter most, from the personal fight that keeps happening to the socio-political divides that feel unbridgeable. The glitches that cause misunderstanding reside in each of us. But so do the tools for understanding better and healing our most painful disconnections.

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